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SATANISTS WELCOME IPHONE APP
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February 9th 2011 Satanists have given their seal of approval to a new iPhone app that reminds them when to bite the throat from a live chicken before taking part in ritual intercourse with strangers in a drug fuelled, devil-worshipping shag-a-thon, and to buy loo roll.  The app, which has predictably drawn a great deal of negative attention in certain quarters, allows Satanists to plan their day while reminding them of some of the things they could be doing to be utter bastards to people, and to shag. One Roman Catholic priest told Stinky Ponky "It's disgraceful. They're just copying us with technology now! The Roman Catholic app was launched only last week! It regularly points out that, given the myriad of ways in which it is possible to sin according to Mr Pope, we've probably done something pretty damn bad already and then connects with Google maps to take you to your nearest priest for confession. If I'm ever feeling even remotely cheerful a quick read soon sorts that out. Here, have a look. Don't browse the photos."
Stinky Ponky caught up with Dave Watt, a Theistic Satanist and School Caretaker who has embraced technology within his worship of Lucifer, in his hut in the grounds of Saint Angreavsey University College of Technological Sports Academy Drama Institution High School near the town of Giggleswick. He told us "The app has really helped me to fit the worship of The Dark Lord into my daily routine. I was so busy wiping shit off the walls of the staff room and shagging Dot from Resources while caked in dried sheep's blood that I'd forget my own head, let alone the sheep's head, so this thing has been a devil-send. Here, have a look. Don't browse the photos.
"See? '10pm, remove graffiti from the men's toilets suggesting that the Head sucks the Deputy Head off in the cubicles' - that's rubbish by the way; they use his office - 'and then burn the skin of a lamb while boning the back end out of thingy-wotsit.' Thingy-wotsit is one of the women who works in the library. Never have asked her name. She's not a satanist, but she is fuck-ugly and beggars can't be choosers. Don't look at me like that, I worship the devil, what did you expect? Peppa fucking Pig?!
"Now if you'll excuse me there's a big turd stuck half way round a u-bend in the English block that I need to poke free before meeting Beryl the lollipop lady and smearing her breasts in pig's blood before doing her hard up the wrong 'un. There are times when I have to admit that I'm filled with self-loathing because of the things that I do.
"But the hours are good, the Head is very 'giving' and the dinner ladies are filthy sluts."
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