The "Purity Ring" app allows the user to digitally sign a purity pledge promising to refrain from life until they are married before displaying a graphic of a spinning ring on the iPhone screen. The objective is to help lower the rate of teenage pregnancy. Until now Christian teenage girls have relied on natural frigidity and awful clothes covered in pictures of Jesus to distract members of the opposite sex, but the digital age now offers more modern options. Secular teenagers often use all sorts of crazy methods to avoid pregnancy such as birth control.

 

Stinky Ponky spoke to Doctor Dick, a Professor of Hot Lovin' Studies at the University of Skopje in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia about the potential problems the app may cause. "Basically it's a disappointment problem," he told us. "We've found that young people are abstaining from any sort of sexual practise, ranging from your basic teenage fumble all the way through to multi-partner, lubed up, spit-roast sessions before their wedding day. The wedding evening, which with a bit of practise should be a glorious, drunken, epic shagathon turns out to be far less inspirational due to inexperience. While your new husband could be wearing vibrating devices on his love truncheon to tickle your bits to a scintillating orgasm while bending your limbs around like an oily circus girl playing twister until you pass out from exhaustion he is more likely to accidentally stick it in your other, less pure ring before prematurely unloading the baby custard and rolling over for some righteous, holy sleep.

 

"People need to be very wary. My advice to girls would be if you're going to put this app on your iPhone at least check that your boyfriend has a damn big pork sword - and don't take his word for it either. If your freaky purity pledge won't allow you to witness his man meat with the naked eye get him to use another iPhone app - the camera. It's the only thing I can think of that may help to avert wedding night disappointment rapidly followed by anullment or divorce.

 

"That or just shave your genitals and get down to it."