The phone, which is called a Phone only with an 'i' in front of it which is dead clever is the fourth version of the iPhone leading many to speculate that it will be called the iPhone 4. Anyone with an older version of the iPhone will be terminated by iNinjas on the evening of the launch of the iPhone 4 by order of Steve Fucking Jobs.

At the iConference in iSan Francisco yesterday, Fucking Jobs managed to speak for hours on end about a mobile telephone, during which time many nerds in the audience masturbated; some to death. Jobs explained in great detail how the new iPhone would finally do everything that everyone thought the original iPhone would do, and revealed that he had personally invented video calls but gave them a new wanky name in case they became confused with the video calls other people had invented before. There was probably an 'i' in front of it.

iJobs spoke for nearly 17 hours at the conference, only pausing briefly when his WiFi connection failed to go back stage and execute three technicians with a 9mm pistol. Steve 'Jobby' Jobs then finished by explaining how he had registered anything beginning with the letter 'i' as a trademark. Four Ian's, an Ivor and an Irene were then escorted from the auditorium by armed guards and forced to sign papers altering their names by deed poll. When Irene refused Jobs personally executed her with his iPistol.

Although nothing has been confirmed, rumours are rife that Steve 'Hand' Jobs is set to invent the iWheel in time for his next conference. This will supposedly be a technological development to help cars move and shit. When Stinky Ponky approached the big Jobs to ask him about this he told us "What does it matter? I could see you a bucket of frozen horse piss if I put an 'i' in front of it and told you it was shit hot, so kiss my ass.

"Now if you'll excuse me I need an iShit, so you can iFuck off."