The iPad 2 was revealed in San Francisco by King Steve Jobs and an underling both of whom were clearly bulging in the trouser department. Rumours of socks were later dismissed. Struggling to be heard over the excited screaming, Jobs told the crowd "You see this stick I'm holding? This stick goes wherever I go. I use it to beat away women. It's got shit on it. Just in case you're missing what I'm saying here, I have to beat off women with a shitty stick. Forget Lynx deodorant; not only will Lynx make you smell like a gypsy's horse but it just won't get hordes of hot totty slathering over your crotch.

"For that you need an iPad 2. The original iPad undoubtedly increased your sexiness by an average of 72.6%, but the moment you open the box of your new iPad 2 you'll start to feel the bulge growing in your trolleys, for more than one reason. That's right, you're going to get hard, because this is the iPad 2 and you will know your life is just about to get approximately 382.67 times better. Time to get a shitty stick my friends. You'll need it."

Stinky Ponky asked Mr Jobby how the iPad would help women. He said "Well, there will be all these amazingly endowed iPad 2 owners around for them to have incredible sex with, won't there? Wait, you mean if they use one themselves? Is that really very likely?! There's some cooking and recipe apps I suppose... Oh, hang on, actually... yes, it will make their breasts bigger. And perkier. So perhaps women should buy them too so that I can get lots and lots of lovely money.

"The new iPad is nothing like the original, it's way different. Way, way different. Sooooooooo way, way, way different it's unbelieveable. Not only does it come in different colours, but it's thinner, and it has a camera. It's barely recognizable! Except for looking the same. Actually it's quite similar. But the original won't have screaming flange beating your door down, desperate to play hide the sausage with your giant spunk-gun.

"Unless you work for Microsoft, in which case you will remain a fuck-ugly, tiny-dicked virgin."