Top Head Honcho in Chief of Apple, Steve H Jobs, descended from the heavens on a fluffy white cloud yesterday to present the iPad to a following so fanatically faithful that they would have been just a pleased if it were a tea tray with 'you are a knob' written on it.

 

Jobs, who later went for a stroll on San Francisco Bay, gave a lengthy presentation of the iPad to hundreds of salivating iGeeks, finishing with the summary "iPad; it's basically a damn big iPhone. But you can't use it as a phone, and even if you could you'd look like a prick." Critics have claimed that Jobs hates his followers after witnessing his behaviour towards them. There was some evidence of this at yesterday's presentation.

 

Stinky Ponky spoke to some of the attending friendless, virgin nerds, but didn't get too close because of the smell.

 

Dave Watt, an IT weirdo from Denver, told us "Our Lord Jobs is amazing. I love the living crap out of him and would gladly eat his shoe laces. When he showed us the iPad I nearly passed out from the intensity of my orgasm. Later he descended from the stage to walk amongst the masses and I held out my hand to him. He promptly dropped his pants and did a big turd in my palm before taking me by the wrist and smacking it in my unworthy face. What a legend. I would buy his toenails if he put an 'i' in front of them"

Barry Stir was visiting San Francisco with his family. He told us "We were queueing to get the Apple logo tattooed on our foreheads after buying old rope and a bucket of iPiss from the iStall. I turned around and there was King Jobs! When he saw me looking he promptly slapped us all before showing my wife his testicles and teaching my eldest, Robbie, how to say fuck. Both the kids got some cigarettes and my wife and I were given an out of date yoghurt each."

Not everyone is a fan however. One critic told us "The iPad has no flash compatibility, no multitasking, no networking, an iPhone OS and no camera. It's a huge disappointment. I absolutely refuse to buy more than one of them. And one for the wife."