The Large Hadron Collider, boasting a 17 mile track which can host 132 simultaneous racers, can also run on 6,480 AA back up batteries, but unfortunately at least 8 had been taken out to power TV remotes and a further two were in the door bell. As a result, when 85 year old Gertrude, the German cleaner, took the plug out to power her Dyson, she caused huge setbacks to the program, as the lap counter is digital and no one could remember who was in what position.

Hadron Scientist and lifelong virgin Dave Watt told Stinky Ponky "It's disastrous. I had just done a lovely move through the chicane, causing Rob's car to come off in the process, and I knew that was him pretty much out of the race as he had to walk 7 miles to pick it up and put it back on. I don't know what to do now. When I rang my mum she said 'Oh for God's sake Dave, stick your bloody penis in a woman and give us some peace, will you Dave? Go to Thailand or something. Your Dad has started telling eveyone that you're dead. Perhaps it would be better if you didn't call any more, unless this means you'll get chance to fix my laptop?'

"She may have a point, but I've never been much of a ladies man. There was a girl in Track Repairs that I liked - well, I think she was a girl, she definitely had lumpy bits and her beard was quite wispy - but I was always so embarrassed when I saw her that I had to dive face first onto the floor, which can be painful when your trousers are full of a massive 3 inch erection."

The Large Hadron Collider is the brain child of Tim Large and James Hadron who first came up with the idea while eating donuts on their coffee break at the Skopje College of Science and Shit and wondering how the fuck they were ever going to legally bed a woman. The Collider uses cutting edge technologies developed in conjunction with Hornby to drive two 1/32 scale formula one cars into each other at speeds of up to 17.8 mph. Scientists hope that when they crash the reaction will recreate the particles following the first ever big bang, which it is suspected involved Adam finally finding Eve's clitoris. Scientists call this the "Oh, God" particle.

Back at Cern Dave told us "I'm taking mum's advice. Not about Thailand because my mate Jim went there last year and he said loads of the women have cocks. I've found a woman to stick it in; our cleaner, Gertrude. Let me just say that when she takes her teeth out to... you know... down there... with her mouth... it's fabulous.

"The only thing that would make it better would be if I didn't have to keep waking her up."