June 3rd 2009

New controllers announced by Microsoft and Sony have fuelled a long standing conspiracy theory that console manufacturers want us all to look like twats.

“It began many years ago with so called dance mats” said Wally Wares from the Campaign for Joysticks. “The activity produced by those that gave us the basic ‘drunken spaz’ look. Hot on it’s heels came Eyetoy. Jesus and Mary on a tandem, how stupid did that make you look? That was only the start though. The real problem came when Nintendo launched the Wii and especially the Wii fit. Suddenly, in living rooms across the world, epileptic zombies were created. And the fucking Redknapp family played no small part in that.”

At the E3 electronic entertainment expo Microsoft have announced ‘Natal’ and Sony show us the ‘Motion Controller.’ Both new control methods will require the player to use physical motion to directly control the game. We met Mr Wares at the E3 convention where he continues his 8 year campaign to return to traditional control methods.

“Atari got it right years ago” Wally tells us. “A stick and a button. That’s it. One stick. One button. Beautiful. Modern controllers have sticks, buttons, interlinking wires – nunchucks?! What the shit is that about?! – and can be very confusing. Even so, at least you can comfortably sit in relative peace and dignity while chainsawing the face off a zombie spider-rat.”

We took Mr Wares to the Microsoft stand to witness people trialing the new control method. He surveyed the scene before saying quietly to Stinky Ponky; “It’s like a scene from fucking ‘Thriller’ in here. Use one of these control methods? I’d rather bath in badger piss.”