The Chinese government has reduced the size of the internet in China to 8 pages after asking Google to remove all the porn.

The move comes after chinese officials accused Google of disseminating "lot of sucky fucky" to it's 1.3 billion inhabitants. It also follows the recent release of screening software which has to be installed on all chinese computers by law. The software, which is a simple filter for blocking porn and violence, has been heavily derided for being roughly as useful as fish legs.

We spoke to our technological expert Tom Boreen who said "It's made for a much slimmer, lighter version of the internet which basically consists of 5 approved web sites and three pop ups promoting 'long time happy lives for all our governments'. Circumventing the filter is as easy as using a different browser however as it only affects Internet Explorer. Chinese wankers are one-handedly using alternative browsers such as Firefox to surf seedy, imported versions of the internet."

The chinese government has a long history of using heavy restrictions to control it's vast population. Every chinese citizen is allowed two thirds of a child, a cursory knowledge of the outside world and the complete back catalogue of Bruce Lee films up until he moved to America.

Recent restrictions stating that people were only allowed to have sex on Saturdays were scrapped after the shockwave on Saturday the 6th of June was felt as far away as South Korea. Astronauts on the International Space Station reported that China was 'slightly blurred by the vibration.'