May 17th 2009

The latest version of Microsoft's Windows operating system will feature an apology for how shit Vista is.

It came as no surprise to anyone who's mistakenly installed the giant virus on their system. Vista has been found to make even the best supercomputers dawdle while it decides if the Administrator really is the Administrator and whether he or she actually knows what they're doing. In the mean time it starts to melt your RAM through over use.

Doctor Dennis Happysocks, our resident technogeek, gave us some examples of Vista's highly evolved frustration techniques.

"Every time I try to install illegal software dowloaded from Pirate Bay before The Man closed them down Vista will start the install, pause for a couple of minutes apparently mulling it over, pop up with a message to tell me that the computer is trying to install a program, pause again for a biscuit and a cuppa after I click yes, ask me for the username and password that I'm already logged on with, have a third long pause, pop up with a box asking me if I'm really sure, pause to ponder, ask me for signed permission from both of my parents and enjoy a well earned pause before telling me that the program has stopped responding due to the fact that my CPU has melted."

"I'd rather superglue my testicles to a builder's face than use Vista."