Davina Watt from Baltimore told Stinky Ponky "The past couple of weeks have been deeply traumatic for me. As the drama with Tiger unfolded and more and more women stepped forward to say they'd sampled his sausage I became increasingly upset. It's like all your friends being invited to the prom while you sit and wait for Jimmy Tomassino to call only to find out he's taking Caroline Fubar just because she's 80 pounds lighter and still has hair.

 

"Eventually, when I didn't know a woman who hadn't had a firm grip on the shaft of his wood, I said to my mom that we should sue him, but she told me I'd have to go it alone as she'd been taken roughly by Tiger in the back of his golf buggy during the last PGA tour."

 

This latest body blow to what remains of Tiger Woods personal life follows revelations that he may be spending a great deal of time twatted of his face due to an addiction to prescription painkillers. Stinky Ponky's medical expert Professor Yaffle from the Skopje University of Acupuncture in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia said "Mr Woods may have been taking these pills to combat a sporting injury. Unfortunately they can be addictive and cause side effects such as nausea, mood swings and knobbing anything with ovaries and a pulse in the western hemisphere."

 

Davina told us "I've had enough, so that's it. If he won't screw me I'll screw him.

 

"Although I would settle out of court for Tiger banging me senseless because the last time I had sex Frankie said relax."