When Stinky Ponky visited the ground earlier today we discovered that nearly 12,000 people were waiting patiently for their chance to show Fulham Chairman Mohammed 'Howling Mad' Al Fayed exactly what they thought of the giant freak that was scaring children on their way into the stadium. We spoke with Dave Watt who was dressed as a chimpanzee for his photo opportunity.

"I'm going to bend over in front of Jacko like he's doing me up the shitter while suggestively eating a banana, just like he probably did with Bubbles all the time," Dave told us, adding "I think it's a bit more original than most of the others who are just standing behind MJ with their trousers round their ankles and pretending to roger him up the wrong 'un while shouting 'shamone mother fucker, ee-hee!'

"Having said that, there's a bloke just in front of me who's come as Macaulay Caulkin, there he is, all right Gerald? That's pretty good, I like that one. Do the Home Alone thing, with your hands on your face, doing that scream. That's it. That's going to look mint when you're bending over. And if you look behind us you can just see... there she is... see the woman dressed as Janet Jackson? She looks fuck all like her to be fair, you can only tell 'cause she's got one tit hanging out. At least, I presume that's why she's got one tit hanging out."

We spoke with one first team player who wished to remain anonymous and was only at the ground to collect his gloves after playing in goal on Saturday. He said "I mean, when I first saw it I may well have said something along the lines of 'What in the name of God's hairy left bollock is THAT?!' but when you take a moment to look at it again after a swift word in the shell-like from your boss you begin to see it in an entirely new light. It's got marvellous... er... and the hair is so.... with the glove.... it's really... it's so... er... isn't it?"

Stinky Ponky also spoke briefly with Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed who told us "I love this club, and Michael Jackson loved this club like he loved his own children and other people's children. He loved the fans and they loved him, and I love the fans and they love me, and I loved him we loved them and they loved us and we all loved each other, with the deepest, deepest love, so deep. Deep, deep love. The fans of Fulham have a special place in my heart forever, and nothing will break that deep, deep love.

"Except the ones who keep fucking him. They can burn in hell."