Budget frozen foods chain Iceland has closed a deal to purchase Westham Football club for £20k and three packets of fish fingers.

The move comes after previous Icelandic owner Bjork suffered a huge loss of fortune in the worldwide recession. It’s believed a number of other budget supermarkets, which have flourished as consumers use them to reduce grocery expenses, are attempting to enter the football market. Stinky Ponky understands that Aldi is currently in negotiations with Newcastle United after their recent relegation. Lidl’s approach to Wigan Athletic however was greeted with ‘a big, fat fucking no’ by Wigan Chairman Dave Whelan. Talks between the Co-op and Stoke City also collapsed after a disagreement over whether the ‘away’ area of the Britannia Stadium or the far corner of any given branch of the Co-op had a worse smell of piss.

Westham striker Dean Ashton is said to be delighted with the deal and is already planning to get ‘one up’ over Norwich by asking Kerry Katona to come on the pitch at half time and slur at the crowd down a microphone. “If it works for Delia Smith it will work twice as well for us” he told Stinky Ponky. “I have every faith in Kerry to get completely twatted and show Delia how it’s done. In fact I would be absolutely amazed if she can say anything remotely intelligible before collapsing.”

Stinky Ponky spoke to Westham Manager Gianfranco Zola about whether he would be sampling any Iceland goods. “No” he said, adding; “Is shit. Eat their prawns? I would rather smear myself in shit of the badger.”