The current situation in the South African capital is unclear, although early reports indicate that Capello has now burrowed beneath the city where many are worried that he may be laying eggs. As the average Capello can lay up to 10,000 eggs at a time authorities are concerned that Johannesburg and the surrounding area could soon be infested with juvenile Capellos, stalking and eating photographers, possibly with Parmesan and a spot or two of vintage balsamic vinegar.

Meanwhile, back in England, reports from Buckingham Palace suggest that the Queen is refusing to ritually kick Wayne Rooney in the testicles. One source told Stinky Ponky that Mrs Her Majesty had said "The poor little monkey has just lost at peasant-ball. It would be cruel to flannel his 'taters with my instep at this point. To be honest I couldn't give a donkey's tinkle anyway, because I'm German, ain't I? They were fan-fucking-tastic, weren't they?"

The official line from the Palace contradicts this however. Head Corgi Washer Dave Watt released a statement saying "Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth will, in accordance with tradition, be placing one of her size 8's in Mr Rooney's genital area with sufficient force to lift him from the floor. As is the normal ritual, Her Lizziness will take the usual 20 yard run up. Mr Rooney should, if all goes to plan, say 'fuck' quite loudly; and writhing on the floor is expected to take place, giving the remainder of the royal family ample opportunity to put the boot in.

"Further to this a small box of Corgi shit has already been dispatched to the houses of all members of the England squad in anticipation of their return, with an especially ripe jobbie for Mr Green. The gilded boxes containing the official opinion of the Queen are fitted with a small explosive device designed to detonate two seconds after the box opens, spraying the bearer with hot turd."

Stinky Ponky also visited the Skopje College of Goal Line Technology in the Former Yugoslav Republic where scientists have received fresh attention after England were denied a goal by the linesman last night. Professor Fred West told us "We've already developed one very simple device that would be far superior to last night's linesman in pretty much every way.

"It's called 'My Fucking Gran.'"