May 17th 2009

Usain Bolt will hit the ground running when he visits Manchester to compete in the 150 metre street sprint this week.

The Jamaican is thought to be a dead cert to win as nearly everyone else dropped out as soon as they heard he was entering. "What's the point now?" one disgruntled competitor whined.

Davey "Bullet" Ripple, 22 year old north west region shoplifting champion, will be the only other competitor. Davey, who chalked up 382 convictions in just 5 years, is well known for making a quick getaway. His agent and probation officer John "John" Johnson told Stinky Ponky "People often make the mistake of thinking Davey is slow due to the amount of times he's been arrested but he's never once been caught running from the shop - he's simply too fast. His problem is that he's fucking stupid. Everyone and their dog knows him so it's the first place the police look and hey presto; there he is sat in his gran's front room surrounded by a pile of FCUK t-shirts with holes in them where the security tag's been ripped out. I think of him as the UK's criminal version of Forrest Gump."

We caught up with Davey outside the Arndale Centre on his way to 'work' this morning. Between mouthfuls of his sausage and egg McMuffin Davey told us how much he was looking forward to the street sprint.

"It's my territory innit? I mean, if we were running on like a track and shit I'd be lost but all I do is think like Bob (the WHSmith store detective) is after me and I'll nail it. If he slows down enough I'll nick the fucker's trainers on the way past."

As a huge fan, Bolt will go on to meet the Manchester United team and will even be presented to the home counties crowd at half time. He's quoted as saying he'll give Ronaldo some sprinting tips and in return Ronaldo has promised to show Bolt how to twat around with his feet like Michael tossing Flatly instead of just kicking the fucking ball.