Next, Blatter said "I'm not a crooked old bastard. I strenuously deny all claims that I'm a crooked old bastard, and just to show you what I mean, I'm not talking about it any more, so there. You're all a bunch of shits, especially the ones who tried to stab me in the back, but they'll soon 'disappear' because - and here's the important part - you DO NOT fuck with The Blatter.

"Who's that laughing? Your name will go on my list, and after all this is finished you will be brought to account. Tell me your name, laughing boy." Blatter's statements caused some confusion as the man who had laughed appeared reluctant to surrender his name, until a colleague said "Don't tell him, Valcke." Blatter responded by saying "Valcke, I am shitting in your pint. That's all there is to it.

"And as for the rest of you, I don't know where all this hostility has come from. I am a really nice bloke. Here's a picture of me helping a granny across the road only yesterday, which I inexplicably have a picture of. Why don't you love me? You should all think of me as the big brother that cares for you and nurtures you, and beats the shit out of you if you ever try and grass him in to Mom and Dad.

"In my home town there is a cautionary tale passed down to the children about a man called, er, Ron, who voted against his... King, who was King, um, Jer.. Jim, King Jim. And King Jim who was normally very nice and did everything absolutely by the book got really miffed and upset but it was ok because he had some photos of Ron in a compromising position with three prostitutes and a poodle and Ron changed his mind about the voting so there was only the King left to vote for. Not that you vote for a King. In fact the whole thing is purely fictional, and that's the way it will remain, won't it Mr Bin Hammam?

"And, er, that's what we tell the kids."