In an email sent to national tabloids it was alleged that the Italian manager was in "a funny mood" after the game against the Ukraine. Later, in his hotel room he began considering his Wednesday night team while smoking a cherry menthol cigarette and sipping on a pint of gin. Mr Cappello said that "it doesn't matter now" and initially suggested letting the WAGs take over from their respective partners, putting Cheryl Cole at left back, Victoria Beckham on the right wing and Coleen Rooney up front.

 

Mr Capello then became irritated at the thought of having to manage Posh, allegedly saying "I cannot stand her, she is worse than dog shit that gets stuck in the groove on your shoe and has to be scraped out with a little twig. I want to drown her in the piss of cats."

 

"I don't quite know what happened then," writes the source. "For a while he talked about ways of seeing off Mrs Beckham, including sellotaping her to Tom Cruise and letting them bullshit each other to death, and then he had another roll up before laying out his final team.

 

"He picked a 4-4-2 formation with the toaster in goal; Marcella Detroit, John and Edward from the X-Factor and Gary Neville in defence; the Chuckle brothers, Amy Winehouse, a fish finger and Superman in midfield; then Winston Churchill and the Lake District striking. On the bench were ABBA and Han Solo."

 

The insider then described how he found it all a bit odd and asked the England Manager if he was serious. Mr Capello reportedly began to cry, but his tears suddenly turned to laughter and he apparently said "Ha ha ha. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA HA! HAAAAA HAAAAAAAA!!!! I joke with you. I would never play Neville. Never.

 

"We will put Keith Chegwin at right back. Wa-hey!"