Beckham told Stinky Ponky "To be honest we'd been hiding the fact that we'd mislaid our Englishness as it was all a bit embarrassing, but then Croatian boss Slaven Bilic somehow found out about it and started grassing on us. Mr Capello got really mad and his  face went red and he told us there would be no more sweets at half time until the Englishness turned up. He didn't even want to know who had it, he just wanted it to be put back before the next game. We all started looking 'cos we love our sweets. I like the bobbly round ones in the Liquorice Allsorts, and no one else does so I get lots and lots. Theo started crying, but he always does when we get told off. Emile threw Ashley Cole at his head and told him to shut up."

 

Stinky Ponky's sports reporter Ray Scarr said "In retrospect it should have been obvious. It turns out that after the Englishness went missing Capello started using some of his own Italian-ness on the team. As a result England have been accidentally winning for months, as well as having developed another seven words for the shapely buttocks of attractive women."

 

Beckham told us "It happened after the game on Saturday. Everyone was looking and looking. Crouchy was checking the top of the stadium and Wrighty-Phillipsy had a stroll under the benches. I was going through my own stuff and suddenly remembered borrowing the Englishness earlier in the year. Victoria was being all L.A. with Tom and his unhappy wife. It wasn't very English at all so I thought she might like a bit of Englishness. It turns out she didn't want none and said I was a pathetic little pea-brained twat, so at least I knew she wasn't dead angry with me, just the usual. Anyway, in all the fuss that followed after I ran away to stop her hitting me in the head with her shoe I completely forgot about the Englishness.

 

"I thought Mr Capello would be mega angry with me but when I told him he just laughed and called me a big, daft bastard before kissing my mouth for a long time and then everything was ok again. He always tastes of tomatoes."

 

Croatian Manager Slaven Bilic said about the England team “All I will say is that they are definitely missing something and we know what it is, but of course I am not going to tell you now what it is. It is our secret."

 

In response current captain John Terry has said "I know what we're missing that Croatia has got. A dribbling, gypsy spack-tard for a manager."