"This has significantly restored public faith in the fact that a team of arthritic grandmothers could put up a better show than our boys," said Stinky Ponky's Sports Reporter, Ray Scarr. "Personally I would still like to see them win - I've always gone against the grain with these things - but I think I've got more chance of my todger turning into a lovely purple flower in a hairy little plant pot."

 

The day began badly when Strauss was caught early in his innings and was rapidly followed by Bopara leaving England 16-2. Bell went shortly after when he was distracted by a little bee and Collingwood's wicket fell while he was tying his laces. Cook picked something up that Collingwood had dropped while leaving the field and was out in the process. Broad then had a walk to the wickets and back before a clearly rattled Swann left the field in tears after forgetting to take his bat on with him in all the fuss. At this point everyone stopped watching so we're not sure of the details, but they were all out for 102.

 

Stinky Ponky spoke to Arthur Carling, landlord of the Red Lion in Giggleswick where the Ashes were being shown on the big screen. He told us "Oh, I'm not really watching the cricket. I'm just waiting around on the off chance that there might be a streaker. Things were different in Botham's day. There'd have been a brief flash of tits and minge by now, mark my words.

 

"To be honest I'm just glad we've avoided anything that might have caused that wanky pothead Tuffnell to say 'appy days' while grinning in a way that most people refer to as 'cheeky' but which always makes me think 'die you shitty little advert whore.'

 

"No, really it's better this way. We're happier when we're moaning. If we win we'll only have to moan about all the people celebrating. That and watch Flintoff giving one of his 'amusing' interviews that only serve to prove to the viewing public what a wrinkled, swinging ball-sack he is."