Terry was being questioned by Police yesterday after ploughing through a crowd of security guards in a monster truck, causing yellow jacketed thugs to bounce wildly off his windscreen, after Chelsea lost to Inter Milan on Tuesday evening. It is understood that despite Ashley Cole's best attempts to become a great big football playing shit by sending photos of little Ashley to the entire cast of Hollyoaks, Terry has remained top of the cocks due to his latest escapades. In addition to this, large numbers of men have now clocked on to the fact that Cheryl Cole is now fair game, helping them forgive her estranged husband despite the fact that they have more chance of becoming the first Pope in space than slipping her one.

The documents, which were handed to Stinky Ponky earlier today, detail actions that Terry has been planning to secure his place as Chief Wanker. They include catapulting puppies onto the M25 during rush hour; running a fake 'meals on wheels' service supplying warm cat's vomit to the elderly; and appearing on Blue Peter with the intention of kicking the dog. Plans to piss on Prince Phillip during an upcoming tour of Buckingham Palace appear to have been scrapped due to the fact that it might make Terry more popular.

It is believed that Terry has already visited the nursery attended by his twins, where he taught the class how to say 'wank-stain' and explained how their daddies probably did their mummies up their botties before letting them eat special man gravy from their tinkles. In addition to this Terry also allegedly shagged Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend behind his wife's back, although many are struggling to give a shit about this, with strong suggestions that they don't know what all the fuss was about. Nuts magazine has already indicated that Terry should be automatically forgiven on the grounds that she was a French underwear model for Christ's sake.

The title of Baddest Man in Football is currently held by Vinnie Jones, and although Gazza, with his alleged wife beating, was always close behind him, Vinnie kept a firm grip on his testicles. When Stinky Ponky approached Terry's agent to ask about the Baddest Man in Football attempt, we were told that this story is ridiculous, as are claims that the defender intends to set the record for own goals scored during a world cup campaign.

Terry himself was unavailable for comment this morning as he was setting fire to Stephen Hawking.