Sports analysts, who have never had sex before and never will, noted that Bolt completed the race in just 41 strides and 'smashed' his previous record by a 'gargantuan' 11 hundreths of a second. One analyst told Stinky Ponky "It was a tremendously exciting race. My heart was in my mouth. I knew I was witnessing history in the making. How many times will I get to see a man run very, very quickly over a short distance? Amazing.

 

"I haven't been this excited since a lady came to the Christmas Disco in 2002. An actual lady. With legs and everything. It was... she had... legs... and everything... excuse me a moment."

 

 

It appears that 32.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot

Gordon Brown, texture like sun, has now redirected the efforts of many scientists who were just curing diseases and stuff into the field of bicycle technology. "It's important that we remain number one in the world at fast bicycle riding," he told Stinky Ponky. "I have appointed Piers Morgan as Bicycle Tsar to ensure we're all on the ball for 2012, although in all honesty I do not know why. I'm just ticking off the days until the election really."

 

Stinky Ponky's sports reporter Ray Scarr said "He ran really fast. Went up the track like someone had set light to his arse. What more can I tell you? I don't know what else you want me to say. I don't want to cover athletics again, it's too fucking dull. I spoke to Bolt after the game and asked him what his aspirations were. You know what he said? 'To run faster.' To run fucking faster. How can you interview that? Let me cover the chess next time... Please? Ooo, actually... can I do the women's boxing?

 

"Well, whatever. Just not athletics. I'd rather sandpaper my nadgers."

 

American Tyson Gay finished in second with a time of 9.71 and Bolt's fellow countryman Asafa Powell came third in 9.84. Britain's Dwain Chambers is still running.