May 21st 2009

As British Armed Forces withdraw from Iraq the Ministry of Defence reveals Intelligence showing that they did indeed find weapons of mass destruction.

Harry Christener, spokesman for the MoD, told us "The breakthrough came in December when an undercover Iraqi agent lost his temper and gave us our first real lead. Muntadar al-Zaidi, posing as a journalist, launched two projectiles at President Bush, screaming 'Sniff this, bitch dog!' Instantly our world changed; we realised we'd been looking in entirely the wrong place."

"We cancelled Operation Hunty da Nukey and refocused our efforts on Operation Balistic Loafers."

Harry describes how they began the seemingly impossible process of tracking down giant, subsonic, missile shoes. "We traced the sales of leather and sure enough we discovered one company buying and importing huge amounts." It was only the start of a trail that took 3 years to follow. Eventually members of the SAS were able to take a picture of a subsonic missile shoe, dubbed the 'Bush Kicker,' in the hills above Baghdad.

"It's a formidable sight." continues Harry, who goes by the name of Tallulah at weekends. "We believe we discovered these weapons not a second too soon as they appeared fully functional and ready for testing. It's thought that they operate by firstly stunning their victims on impact and then infecting them with a fatal, fast acting strain of athlete's foot."

Now that the weapons of mass destruction have been found everyone can rest easy and congratulate themselves on a bally good job. As British forces withdraw from Iraq rumours are rife that the government plans to scale them down in a cost cutting excercise now that smaller, cheaper, plastic versions of the Army, Navy and RAF are being manufactured as replacements."

A government spokesman said "Where do you get this bollocks?"