Many members of the British public were so bewildered by this news that they have been discovered wandering amongst the traffic with no trousers on. Emergency services have been stretched to breaking point due to the fact that they have had to remove baffled people from trees, rivers and streams, and the Isle of Wight. In London the underground has been closed due to astonishment on the line.

In Liverpool there have been scenes of violence after an angrily perplexed crowd descended upon the city centre demanding to have the connection between Miss Winehouse and phone hacking explained to them, being unable to believe that anything happened in Britain any more that had nothing to do with the News of the World. The crowd was finally dispersed when someone who worked at the job centre walked past and everyone hid.

One news group is also reporting that the Mayor of London Boris Johnson, who combs his hair with a balloon, entered the British Museum this morning wearing nothing but one hiking boot, a bow tie and a dazed expression, muttering to himself about bicycles. It should be noted however that museum staff claim this event occurs with such regularity that they now keep tranquillizer darts loaded into a rifle in the main security office, and that guards have a rota for who gets to shoot him in his flabby arse as he wanders vaguely past.

In a press statement Prime Minister David Cameron, texture like sun, said: "I can unequivocally confirm that the press in Britain still report upon things that have nothing at all to do with phone hacking. I urge members of the public not to panic or become violent, and certainly don't want them to blame me as I really don't want them to come down to number 10, bash the door down and rip me limb from limb in an almost bestial display of primeval puzzlement. I really wouldn't like that."

Meanwhile sources close to Rupert Murdoch have revealed that the media mogul is consulting lawyers to see whether he can prove that he doesn't exist, or at least never existed while phone hacking was taking place. He is also said to be looking into the possibility of buying and copyrighting the word 'hacking' in order to charge for it's use after sensing a fantastic money making opportunity. It is thought that if he cannot find a way of charging for it's use Mr Murdoch will liquidate the word and redistribute it's assets.

Mr Murdoch is also attempting to buy the phrases wrinkly old cack-bastard, gigantic wanker and festering Ozzy fuck-stick.