The new watchdog will be responsible for resolving disputes between supermarkets and suppliers, and will bark at it's owner when unfair practises arise, or when anyone gets stuck down a well. In addition the watchdog will act as a faithful companion to the store manager, travelling hundreds of miles through terrible conditons to return to the supermarket should they ever become separated by cruel, overbearing area managers. It will also bite shoplifters on the ass.

 

Stinky Ponky spoke to Dave Watt from the competitions commission about the plans for the new watchdog. "Earlier attempts met with mixed results," he told us. "Basically this is all about finding the right dog for the job. We've tried training a number of potential pooches for the role but not many are passing the test. There was a labrador called Crumpet in Dulwich that was basically always shagging something; an Alsatian by the name of Terry that ate a cabbage, a price gun and a stock replenishment assistant before vomiting copiously on a pensioner in a wheelchair; and a Red Setter called Mr Numpty that just kept sniffing crotches before taking a shit in the pic n' mix.

 

"On a more positive note we found a clever little collie in Bangor called Shelly who currently works on the meat counter in Tescos, and apparently barks loudly whenever bears are nearby.

 

"There are stories that touch the heart too. Dear old Bill was a hero war dog, deeply obedient and faithful but suffering a little from old wounds. That we could deal with, but he had a wild look in his eye at times and you could see that he was reliving the horrors of the battlefield. He needed wide open spaces, not the confinement of a supermarket. So we spoke to a local farmer who agreed to take him back to the rolling fields and sun dappled orchards of his farm, and shoot him.

 

"The little fucker bit me on the cock."