It has been revealed that many joeys have been responsible for creating crop circles after hopping around twatted off their furry little tits on opium. In addition to this the usually calm marsupials have been involved in shoplifting, joy riding and violent attacks on koalas.

 

Hobart Police Sergeant Kane Enable told Stinky Ponky "We've had several arrests in recent weeks and the culprits are completely unrepentant. We caught three young females only yesterday leaving an electrical store with several hundred dollar's worth of stolen goods in their pouches. Wallaby gangs, such as the Skippys or the Mini Roos, are also scaring the elderly with their violent and threatening behaviour. The problem is there is nothing for the joeys to do around here, and so they hop the streets at night and cause trouble."

 

On the streets of down-town Hobart we managed to speak to a group of young wallabies who wished to remain anonymous. One told us "We're constantly watched by the cops. I can't even take a shit in the street without being harrassed by pigs. It's intimidationary is what it is. They don't pick on the Kangaroos like this." Another said "We're just, like, doing stuff. If we smoke a little weed who are we hurting? It's my life."

 

Local Koala support groups disagree however. As the target of escalating wallaby attacks one koala who cannot be named for legal reasons told us "People pick on us because of our size and image. Well we've all had enough and if someone doesn't do something about these wallabies soon we'll take matters into our own hands.

 

"I may look cute and harmless but don't forget I'm a bear and I have claws. I could take your balls off with a single swipe," he said, adding, "if you give me 2 minutes to climb your leg first."