Court staff were granted 10 minutes in every hour to go and empty their churning stomachs after magistrates became tired of the smell of bile in the court. "The worst part was the recordings," Court Recorder Dave Watt told Stinky Ponky. "Sitting and listening to what sounded very much like a gnu being disembowelled with a hot shovel was a particularly nauseating experience. In addition to that however, we had to look at Mr and Mrs Cartwright's greasy, ugly fatness sweating at us across the courtroom without the slightest semblance of embarrassment as a sound I can only think of as 'jungle rape' drifted to our poor, poor ears."

 

The case went to Sunderland County Court after neighbours of Mr and Mrs Cartwright complained, along with people from over the road, the postman, the milkman, the local shopkeeper who had to work with his radio turned right up, and pretty much everyone else on the estate. Although unconfirmed, Stinky Ponky received reports that a retired vicar in Middlesburgh turned to his wife after dinner and asked her "What in the name of flying fuckery was THAT? Was it your bowel problem? Have you shat yourself again Mary?"

 

Neighbour of the beasts, Hailey Scommitt, told the court "I had to listen to it every night, it was so loud I couldn't sleep. My timekeeping at work suffered because of this and I was often turning up two or three days late. I would have to endure all sorts of language and noises. Mrs Cartwright would often scream things like 'Stick me with your greasy love sausage, monkey boy,' 'Not up the arse Steve, it's still full of cheesecake,' and 'Eat my tits you stinking little orgasm stick.' She said the cheesecake one a lot. I can't each cheesecake any more, and I used to love it."

 

Judge Anne Jury rejected Mrs Cartwright's appeal against a ban forbidding her to have noisy sex, saying "Mrs Cartwright you are lucky I am not banning you from sex entirely. It is only an iron constitution and my experiences from working as a pathologist that have allowed me to reach the end of this sentence without emitting a shower of puke, unlike my less fortunate learned colleague, who will be getting the bill for these trousers.

 

"If you must rut, do it in silence, or go to France. And tell no one of it. No one. Now I'm going to spend some time with my head in the toilet. Court adjourned."