"What first alerted us was the stuff they were selling," said Chief Cavity Search Officer Finn Germowse. "Bernard Matthews were shipping in vast quantities of big, fat turkeys but the stuff that was going on the shelf was mostly water with added sawdust, bat shit, gunpowder, reconstituted rubber, badger, flavourings and trace elements of turkey - mainly feathers. We suspected foul play." Upon investigation officers discovered that over 95% of the imported turkeys came from Peru, but when they attempted to contact the company on the shipping manifest - Alpaca Fat Bird Ltd. - they discovered the company didn't exist.

 

"The trail went cold," CCSO Germowse told us. "Unmarked turkey lorries were dropping the birds at Paddington Bear International Airport but all attempts to follow them afterwards failed. It was like a scene from The Thomas Crown Affair crossed with The Truman Show. Unmarked turkey lorries everywhere, blocking your path. We were stumped. We knew something was going on but we had no evidence.

 

"The breakthrough came on a BA flight last week. We were advised that the pilot of a 747 had contacted Air Traffic Control to say that he had two big, fat birds on the plane behaving oddly. It turned out to be nothing to do with those sisters off the X-Factor, which was our first thought; there were actually two turkeys smacked off their tits creating havoc. The scene when they landed was unbelievable. Most of the passengers bolted off the flight coated in feathers and turkey shit. The turkeys were very aggressive and had to be restrained, but upon investigation we finally discovered the truth."

 

The plan involved surgically inserting large amounts of cocaine into skinny turkeys who would then board flights to the UK organized by the Matthews Cartel in Britain. Millions of pounds worth of cocaine is thought to have entered the country before the cocaine filled pouches in two of the turkeys burst, delivering a massive dose referred to as a 'Winehouse.' Flight staff on the 747 say that the birds erupted from their seats in clouds of white powder and started ricocheting around the cabin. Once on the ground and restrained the turkeys - nick named 'sister act' due to their habits - have been suffering from withdrawal effects after going cold human.

 

Professor Yaffle from the University of Health, Wealth and Happiness in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia told us "This is a double victory in my eyes. Not only have we cut Pete Doherty off at his supply - which will hopefully make the poxy little fucker come down for long enough to hear the shite he's been inflicting on everyone's ears and which keeps getting bought by souless, coffee house wankheads devoid of an original opinion on anything - but it should see Bernard Matthews products - with marginally less nutritional value than the packaging that they come in - disappear from our supermarkets.

 

"If by some tragedy it doesn't - I, for one, won't be eating it. I'd rather pop my meat paste coated todger into a bag of hungry ferrets."