"We've given her Dave, the over enthusiastic trainee nurse," said Doctor Who, Mrs Thatcher's chief torturer. "He likes to think that being a male nurse makes him original. He says that he has a wonderful rapport for the patients, with a chipper, up-beat approach to their stay in hospital. He thinks he cheers them up. The truth of course is that he's an annoying little specky twat who's about as welcome as hemorrhoids and will spend 40 minutes harpooning her arm for a vein so that he can give her twice the dose of the wrong drug which will almost certainly kill her swiftly. Hey ho.

"We don't have much money to pay for good nurses though, mainly because good old Maggie took it off us 25 years ago and gave it to yuppies who, to be fair, have long since matured from being those annoying little tossers who shafted the stock markets in the 80s to become great big fucking tossers who have only just removed their dicks from the backside of the British banking system in time to run the fuck away from it and pretend it was shag all to do with them. 

"So when it comes to nurses, as the old saying goes; if you pay peanuts, you get fetid little fuck-arsed imbeciles with the popularity of genital lice in the porn industry and the medical ability of the counter staff in any given branch of Boots, or alternatively a dead pig.

"Between you and me though keeping Mags here so that she gets a dose of her own medicine - or more likely the medicine prescribed to an AIDS patient three wards away by mistake - well, it's not as fun as I had hoped. She's not really suffering, but then it's difficult to make her suffer because she's been stood in the corner of the room for three days convinced that she's a wardorbe. I hung a smelly shirt in her yesterday, but it seems like a hollow victory. It's like she's cheating or something. 

"On Monday she declared herself Danish and demanded that we return all the bacon. I think maybe that we'll let her go at the weekend. Dave will miss her, I know. He's become very attached to her this week, and has recognized just how vulnerable Baroness Thatcher has become.

"I suppose he'll have to find someone else to have sex with now."