TfL Director Oliver Goodlife told Stinky Ponky "We've seen a rising trend in people who choose to whinge like shitty little gits over the past few years which we've put down to them having nothing better to do. In my opinion wittering on about petty little things like getting your arm stuck in the train door is almost like raping and murdering my family, so I've no qualms whatsoever about our staff giving these people a bit of a nudge when the train's coming in, before offering the rest of the crowd a meaningful look to keep them in line."

 

We spoke to tube station cleaner Ian Hose-Anthrote about his experiences working in the London Underground. He said "My life used to be a living nightmare of daily heckling from scummy, flaccid piss-worms who came here just to complain at me, or at least that's how it seemed. The only way to get your own back, when some fetid excuse of a wrinkled ball-sack gave you some stick, was to subtly follow them on to a crowded carriage before taking a piss in their pocket.

 

"So I'm absolutely thrilled to bits about the new rules. Not only does it show us that the management sees us as people rather than meaningless, underpaid cogs in giant mechanical cow that regularly shites out huge money pats into their already bulging bank accounts while they laugh and laugh and laugh, but it gives us the chance to take pride in ourselves again.

 

"Only last week one old woman was having a moan at me just because a jagged piece of metal on the escalator had killed her dog, but I didn't listen. I flicked my iPod on then just nodded and smiled before gently pushing my broom into her angry face, shoving her backwards onto the Bakerloo line. There was nothing coming at the time, which just shows I need a bit of practise, but it still felt good."