Northumbria Buzz Fuzz finally clinched the top spot after beating Metro Blue Volts 98-95 in an 'electric' home game at the Powergen Stadium last night. The shock win on the last game of the season gives them 704 points, leaving the Volts in second place with 700.

Many are attributing the unexpected success of Buzz Fuzz to the outstanding performance of Sergeant Dave 'Deadeye' Jones who has personally scored 18 direct testicluar 'nad frazzle' hits this season and induced a stunning 83 'shock vomits' from the running criminals. Stinky Ponky asked Dave why he feels they've been so successful this season.

 

"There are so many factors, it's not just one thing," he told us. "It's not only me on the team you know, and the guys have been great. In fact the highlight of the season for me was when PC Reggie Straishen caught three in the water against the West Mid Heart Stoppers. It was like watching cod go in the fryer at the chippy. Brilliant.

Keeping Up Appearances

"And the sponsorship from our Taser manufacturer has been invaluable. I have to admit that the new CrimFizz 200 gave us a distinct edge over the opposition. The extra long reach made for some lovely arc shots if you could pull them off.

 

Some of the screaming can only be heard by small Italian dogs

"And yes, luck has been with us. We could easily have lost last night and I'm sure that Sergeant Smith from the Metro Blue Volts will be kicking himself today after losing points and being sent off for hitting the ref in the head last night. I haven't seen the replay yet, was it an accident? He looked really pissed off after his takedown was disallowed for being too close, but he was definitely under a metre from the crim at the time and face shots are frowned upon."

 

Taser Quest has continued to court contraversy however and Amnesty International were quick to criticize the sport again today. Stinky Ponky spoke to Lawrence O'Pinklebotty, Amnesty International's Chief Concern Officer.

What Did You Just Say?

"I wonder if the criminals, who are often treated like meat and referred to as 'crims' realise what they are letting themselves in for," said Mr O'Pinklebotty. "I know their sentences are shortened for participating and that they sign full disclaimers but I find it terrifying to see someone go rigid and fall face first onto the tarmac with 10,000 volts coursing through their genitalia. It's a horrible sensation, as I can testify having demonstrated this many times upon my own scrotum. Would you like to see? You can even shoot me in the hairy love sack if you wish. Go on. It doesn't matter if you hit my cock."

 

In answer to queries about using moving dummies in place of live targets Sergeant Jones told us "It just wouldn't be the same. There would be no challenge in it. There's nothing quiet like the wet smack of their faces hitting the pavement when they lose all control of their bodies while electricity flows through sharp barbs buried in their reproductive organs. Beautiful. It's what it's all about."