It is not yet known why the man was carrying the gun. Officers have been unable to question him as he has spent several hours flapping around the South Terminal like a fish out of water with roughly one tenth of the national grid running through his body. "We're not really bothered to be honest," said Sergeant Gunther Ferthootin "We'll ask him in about half an hour as WHSmith's has run out of batteries and we're on our last set. It's great fun, do you want a go?"

 

The man was spotted in the early hours of the morning when he boarded a bus for Gatwick from Crawley in West Sussex. Another passenger on the bus saw the gun and alerted the police. Officers from the Electric Armed Response Unit, affectionately referred to as the 'Frying Squad,' were well prepared for his arrival at the airport and quickly disabled and disarmed him. Officers then continued to 'buzz' the man in full view of the general public. One bystander even told us "When one officer popped to the loo he let me have a go. It's even more fun than it looks to be honest."

 

After Stinky Ponky expressed concerns for the man's welfare Sergeant Ferthootin told us "You want to be careful sympathising with terrorists like that or we might have to give you a bit of a jolt too." When we asked how they knew he was a terrorist we were told "Why else would he be carrying a gun into an airport? Anyway, calm down. We check that he's still breathing every hour or so. Hang on, Mick's just got back from Sainsbury's with another box of Duracell. This is fucking great!"

 

We also spoke with PC Colin Allcars who won the chance to be the first one to taser the gunman after drawing straws. "It was amazing," he told us. "I'm a dab hand with this thing as I've spent weeks practising on my sister's dog. When the gunman entered the building I let him get nice and close and then I shot him right in the dick. You should have seen his face! It was a fucking picture!"