Professor Yaffle, Head of Pointless Studies at the Skopje University of Health Wealth and Happiness in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia told Stinky Ponky "Our research is completely and utterly 100% almost conclusive. An astonishing 62% of people who have a conviction related to violence ate sweets when they were children. The remaining 41% can't remember what type of sweets they had, which probably means they didn't have any. It's basically like proof but without the facts. Thinking about it that makes 103%, but that only goes to show how extra certain we are.

 

"We've also got some rock solid speculation that different types of sweets create different types of violence. Fruit Tella, for example, will just result in a bit of a slap, whereas fizzy cola bottles are the direct cause of chainsaw wielding maniacs who drive motorbikes through plate glass windows before slaughtering everyone in sight, possibly. In many respects this research is virtually iron clad. Perhaps it's more copper clad, or at the very least a durable perspex."

 

Stinky Ponky asked Professor Yaffle how he responds to claims that this research really is a complete waste of time and money. "It's not that straightforward," he told us. "We've been trying to cure cancer for years and it gets really dull, but just think of all the good research like this could do for society. Try to imagine, if you will, that society is a big bubble, and this research is knowledge on the outside of that bubble. To protect that bubble from bursting we need to get to the knowledge. No, actually, we need to get to the knowledge without the bubble bursting, or something. I'm not sure why though, I can't remember exactly, my friend Rob told me in the Union bar last night and it made perfect sense then."

 

One group of violent offenders has already taken this research to heart. We caught up with members of the notorious "Allsorts Crew." Dave "Bertie" Bassett, the gang leader, told us "It's true. I spent most of the time when I was a kid off my face on Sherbert Dip, and now I know exactly why I often nut people in the face half way through a sentence for no apparent reason. I surprise myself with it. And we know that there's a future for the Crew now.

 

"My brother's only five and he's already on the Tangfastics. He's going to be a fucking psychopath."