CBI Director General, Richard Lambert told Stinky Ponky "We're hoping to make students far more profitable, and we think this is the way forward. The student unit leaves university with £25,000 worth of debt, which is simply ludicrous. They are young; they have 60 plus years to pay their debts, so their cash generation potential means they should be able to afford a hell of a lot more than 25 grand."

 

Mr Lambert, whose first name can be shortened to Dick, has angered the National Union of Students with his report who have responded by saying that it was "gross hypocrisy" put forth by the "fat cats at the CBI." Mr Lambert said "I am clearly neither fat nor am I a cat. In addition to this I can confirm that there are no cat's at the CBI at all - the notion is ridiculous. No pets are allowed, aside from the one wall of my office which is a giant saltwater tank containing a large section of the Great Barrier Reef and it's assorted wildlife. I must admit that we have a few fat people however, including Sarah in accounts who in my opinion has the largest arse in the world."

 

NUS president Wes Streeting said "It's just not on, asking for more from students in this manner. Many live like paupers as it is, only just scratching together enough to get wankered three or four nights a week at the Union bar. What's left is barely enough for an eighth of super skunk and if you're lucky maybe some food. And then it's the humiliating journey home to your parents with bags full of washing to tap them for funds."

 

We visited Nottingham to speak to students on a night out in the city centre. We met Michael, a 20 year old General Media and Communication Studies And Stuff student, outside a dance club. He told us "Don't talk about money man, that's dirty. Money is dirty. It's not the money that matters. You know what? It's love. Love is clean and pure. It's just like the Kinks said; Love is all you need. I love you man," adding "Aren't those traffic lights beautiful? I fuckin' love traffic lights."

 

19 year old Eddie, who is studying for a degree in Star Trek, was lying on the grass near the castle after several pints of beer when we spoke to him. He said to us "Shhhhhhh, shhh. Said SHHHH! Sorr, shhhhhhhhhh. Lissen, m'ere... gorra secret."

 

"I jus shat in m' pants."