Professor Simon Conway Morris warns that hundreds of eye-wateringly ugly aliens could flood the Earth's surface, causing mass nausea and vomiting before missing important penalties and appearing in pizza adverts in a vain attempt to win back the broken hearts of a nation who would gladly dip the silly fuckers in acid. Middlesburgh Football Club have expressed an interest in employing one, as long as "he's not a pretty boy like E.T." It's believed that if the chosen alien is a totally shit manager he could last several years at the club, scaring the bejesus out of anyone who flicks channels and inadvertantly sees a full screen shot of his munterish face during a post match interview.

 

Professor Johnny Morris told Stinky Ponky "Aliens will be very similar to humans, just like Mr Southgate is, and nothing like E.T. or the evil beasts that Sigourney Weaver had to fight in that film called... oh, now what was the name of that film? It's on the tip of my tongue... Anyway, they might be a bit shy but we should be able to entice them by building mountains out of mashed potato, and then we'll have close encounters of the 17th kind, which is where you meet the aliens and introduce them to your friends and family before trying to involve them in a pyramid sales scheme."

 

"And it was Gorillas In The Mist , the Sigourney Weaver film."

 

We asked Professor Morrisons what he thought of recent theories that we should really be looking here on Earth for arsenic based life forms. He said "I think you'd have to be spackered off your bonce to even come up with that one, let alone believe it.

 

"Fuck a duck. It was Ghostbusters, wasn't it?