Chief Gritter from Manchester City Council Dave Watt told Stinky Ponky "When the white stuff started to fall, Snow Patrol had told us nothing. We waited and waited for their call, but nothing. Eventually the snow was thick on the ground and causing all sorts of problems. The roads were dangerous, and people were getting their cars stuck. We could have done something about that if Snow Patrol had pulled their miserable, shitty fingers out. I hope they're fucking happy."

 

Similar situations have occurred across the whole of Britain. At Birmingham International Airport 57 people have been stranded in a passenger jet since yesterday afternoon as none of them have wellies. Runway Polisher Terry Fone, an avid Keeping Up Appearances fan told us "We knew it was snowing but Snow Patrol gave us no official notification, so there was really very little we could do. At the moment the people on board seem to be coping well and with a spirit of camaraderie, but we're concerned about food and water. There are roughly 100 pre-packed airline meals on board, which they will almost certainly burn to cook the bodies of other passengers. I just hope the stewardesses don't snuff it first, or there could be some severe cases of silicone poisoning."

 

In Aberdeen Royal Infirmary we spoke with Robert Roy from his bed where he was recovring from injuries sustained in a car accident on Monday. He told us "I was on the motorway and it was snowing like a bastard, but I had the radio on and was listening closely to the news and weather for any sort of warning from Snow Patrol. None came, so I carried on at 70 mph until suddenly the car began to drift and I lost control causing a 732 car pile up. As I was lying in the wreckage they finally came on the radio, but only to sing one of their suicidal dirges about climbing into someones bedroom or some shite.

 

"What the fuck is wrong with them? I've lost the use of my legs and will never play football with my son again, go for long summer walks in the country or shag the tits off my wife doggy style. They have to live with that. How can they sleep at night?"

 

A spokesman for Snow Patrol issued a short statement to the press at 4pm. He said "The band apologises unreservedly for any unforeseen confusion that may have been caused by their choice of name. They are not and never have been responsible for patrolling during times of snow. To avoid any future confusion the band are changing their name with immediate effect, to Flood Warning."

 

When Stinky Ponky asked the police if they would be taking any action Sting told us to fuck off.