Meteorologist Dave Watt told Stinky Ponky "Unfortunately snow is deeply unpredictable, occurring only every year during the winter in Britain and although some have identified a pattern with winter which suggests it comes at the same time every year and has done since records began, this is as yet unconfirmed. It would be gibbering, table chewing insanity to plan our lives around such things.

 

"We're looking right down the barrel at a good ten centimetres of snow here, which could easily get on the top of children's shoes, causing coldness. In addition to this due to the unpredictable nature of winter and snow many councils have not had time to stockpile rock salt, which is only one of the most common, inexpensive commodities on earth. Without rock salt, we're fucked."

 

The Met Office warning has caused widespread panic in the south of England. All major roads have been blocked by traffic heading for the ports and the channel tunnel, and those people that remain have begun looting and rioting. One looter returned to HMV to complain about a Michael Macintyre DVD he had stolen, threatening terrified shop assistants with a baseball bat while screaming "IT'S UTTER, UTTER, UTTER BOLLOCKS!"

 

In Basildon Stinky Ponky spoke to an old man with a long beard and crazy eyes who was carrying his most treasured possesions in a woven sack. He told us "Beware the white death! Fear it ye should. And do not join the precious fools who tell ye it's too cold for the snow. Pray that it does not become that cold my friends, for beyond the white death, in the frozen wastes of 'too cold for snow' lies something far, far worse...

 

"....Black Ice!"