May 18th 2009

This morning many young boys in the UK fiddled nervously with their woggles after discovering that their new leader was the intrepid nutcase Bear Grylls.

Bear, who is fascinated by circles, was delighted by the decision saying "No offence to Peter Duncan but it's been a bit crappy in the scouts recently. I mean, he's ex-Blue Peter for God's sake! I think he's been teaching them to how to knit. And he's called Peter! And I'm called Bear! GRRRR!"

"There will have to be a few changes around here now I'm in charge. The only use for sticky back plastic will be to catch and eat wild dogs when we're in the deserts of Peru."

The change comes as The Council of the Scout Movement decided it was time to breathe some new life into it's dry, dusty, old, dated, lifeless and dull organisation. Spokesman for the Council, Barry Lika, said "At first I thought it was sheer, mind boggling, jelly in your wellies insane and then they told me that Bear is his name and he's not actually a bear and I said 'well I never' and to be honest I'm happy and I won't be sorry to see those blasted empty yoghurt pots and washing up bottles go and when the double sided tape runs out we won't be replacing it and I've never been to Peru."

Fourteen year old Troy Angle from 14 Chipping Road, Bakewell, Derbyshire, who wished to remain anonymous, said "We've got to go and sleep in a cave in the hills tonight and make our own fire and eat stuff we catch and I don't want to go but my mum says I'm being daft and I'm so scared please help me" before falling to the floor and sobbing.

"They've nothing to worry about of course" Bear told us "It's only preparation for when we go cobra hunting in the mountains of Pakistan. I've popped a snake in the cave for a bit of authenicity but it's not poisonous, it's a fourteen foot boa."

Tom Bone, a scout leader from Tooting said "The man eats elephant shit; he's clearly fucking nuts."