Scientology holds that humans are actually immortal space beings from the planet Fuknut who have lost their way and turned into estate agents. According to it's founder L. Ron Hubbard, hundreds of sessions of very expensive counselling will help everyone to remember who they are and more importantly how to live forever again - information that has carelessly slipped our minds.

 

L. Ron, who was the youngest son of the famous Old Mother Hubbard, pioneered a new method of therapy using raw kryptonite, sticky back plastic and a toaster after gaining inspiration from an episode of Star Trek. Using this method L. had successfully remembered how to live forever, but before he could share his revelation with others, he died.

 

Stinky Ponky spoke with former scientologist Dave Watt who told us "I am right old fucked off is what I am. It's just my luck to be a victim of the first religion in the history of the world to shamelessly fleece it's credulous followers for money. It's easy to say with the benefit of hindsight, but it's a load of old arse, isn't it? Fancy believing that my Electro-mnemonic Enhancement Helmet - which was very expensive because it was fashioned by tibetan monks to exactly resemble a colander to disguise it from unbelievers - would actually help me to remember how to live forever. What kind of an arse am I?

 

"I'm not having anything to do with this mumbo-jumbo anymore. It's back to Christianity for me, where I can get eternal life just for believing in the man who had a virgin for a mum, walked on water and raised the dead.

 

"Hmmm.... Fuck it, let's try voodoo."