In a speech on Jesus FM The Pontiff said "I'm on my way to Britain where I reckon men are getting far too much cock. Lesbians can watch out too. Just because you have a cracking ass and pert little boobies doesn't mean you can get away with rubbing oil into your bodies and rolling around the floor, kissing, before wheeling out all your little vibrating devices and making my camera lens go all steamy.

 

"Being Christian, we're all about loving your fellow man, just not in that way. Christianity is all about tolerance, peace and understanding, but we're Catholics, so unless you stop kissing each other's same-sex tinkles we're going to get God to give you a damn good smack. And not the nice kind. You must only do sex with members of the opposite... er... sex. And only one at a time. And only when you're married. And no rubber johnnies.

 

"And by the beard of Jesus' favourite sheep Percy, if you bloody well enjoy it then your dirty little sinner's arse will taste the fire of Satan's flaming whip for all eternity, which is a pretty long time and would be no fun at all in my opinion. Which reminds me; spanking is out too - except for naughty school boys.

 

"I was in the hot tub only the other day with three of my favourite cardinals discussing this very matter, and I said to Cardinal Richelieu, when he came up for air, 'Richie, pack your bags and let's go to rainy island. There's far too much bum sex there.' So we dried each other, rubbed in a bit of talc, finished the gin and booked our tickets with Vatican Airlines.

 

"See you in September. And if you're gay, watch your back! Don't be surprised if you look over your shoulder one day and find Mr Pope there, rolling up his sleeves, about to give you what for.

 

"Amen."