"God is all seeing, all knowing and all powerful, so he must have done this out of wrath. If God's doing that to the Pontiff then I don't stand a chance, do I?" said staunch Roman Catholic Patrick Thistle. "There's a very good chance that God will simply reach down from heaven and smite my head off. And then who will look after my wife and 18 children? And here's me with another one on the way as well. Actually, if he wants to smite anything off perhaps my testicles... Oh no! What am I saying?! I WILL BURN IN A PIT OF FIERY SEMEN ETERNALLY FOR MY SINFUL THOUGHTS unless I just pop to the confessional and apologise."

 

On the Catholic website OurGodIsBetterThanYourGod.com many Catholics are leaving messages of support for Mr Pope, while others are expressing their concerns over what this means for them personally. Tammy Flew from Edinburgh writes "I hope our Pontiff is as well as can be expected given the circumstances. I would have liked to have been around to see him recover but I just smiled at a man and I don't have my rosaries with me so let's face it, it's brimstone time any second now. I don't even know what brimstone is."

 

Other Catholics appear to have given up hope completely which has led to some wild behaviour from those who think they are on their way to hell anyway. In London, Rome, Belfast and Lisbon several Catholics have been arrested for attempting to wildly copulate with people in the street. One man has been detained for fiddling with a poodle while another had to be surgically removed from a Ford Fiesta.

 

On OurGodIsBetterThanYourGod.com, Salvador from San Salvador in El Salvador writes "God he is watching but he is pissed off a lot. Now I know is fire for me I humping my hand so much and feeling dizzy from it."