As WHO spokesman Roger Daltry announces that pig flu has now reached pandemic levels millions reach for the dictionary to see what the holy cock he’s on about.

“It’s causing some confusion,” admits Professor Yaffle, head of pointless Studies at the Skopje Univeristy of Health, Wealth and Happiness in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. “The underlying message is clear however – there’s a deluge of pig flu on it’s way and we should all face the very real possibility that we’ll soon be swimming in snot.

“Suggestions that it’s a lot of fuss over nothing are dangerous and foolish. Already several people in the USA have died of boredom after being stuck in front of Jerry Springer for days on end sneezing like bastards. Identical cases in the UK could be catastrophic. Cash in the Attic alone could kill thousands.

“But it’s far more serious than that. Those who make it through Bargain Hunt and Doctors are unlikely to have enough strength left to cope with Diagnosis Murder.”

Stinky Ponky visited the Job Centre to get some professional insight into how we might deal with pig flu induced boredom.

“Some days it hard to stay in bed,” admits Robin Gett, an unemployed from Southampton. “Homes under the Hammer is absolute toss, but it helps prepare you for the rest.

“But not Diagnosis Murder. That’s what makes it all bearable, man. Me and you are going to fall out if you diss Diagnosis Murder. Do not fuck with Dick Van Dyke.”