His speaking followed in the tradition of other fine Americaland presidents, such as Bill Paxton, Morgan Freeman and Martin Sheen, all of whom had stirred fellow Americalanders to feel the need to immediately stop whatever they were doing, stand in front of TVs in sports bars, those funny...long diners - you know, the ones where the waitresses all have perms, dress in pink and chew gum - and Irish pubs, feel immensely good about themselves and shout "Hell, yeah!", whilst clapping like seals on amphetamines, each time there is a pause.

People who bothered to watch the speech and who knew about things which had happened before the Internet arrived, spoke of a dazzling oratorical display which called to mind President Kennedy's 1963 address to the people of Berlin, in which he mispronounced an entire paragraph in Germanese, calling the Chancellor's wife a "stupid, bloated warthog with the IQ of a slightly less intelligent warthog" and forecasting light rain overnight in Schleswig-Holstein, before inadvertently declaring war on the then-Baltic superstate of Latviuania, whom he accused of having "knocked over a pile of doughnuts" he was about to eat, considered the worst insult of its kind in Berlin - where, believe you me, they know a lot about doughnuts. And nightclubs.

El Presidente Obama reminded us that not only is he not black, but that Once-Great Britain had handed the modern world a legacy which included things like teabags, dog-fights, CCTV cameras on every street corner, Dinky toys, teenage pregnancies, rambling (the walking kind), lard and the period costume dramas, so beloved by Americalanders, who believe they are actually watching real-life documentaries.

As he waffled on, many in the audience fell asleep or slipped effortlessly into comas, missing the quintessential point of his speech, as he referred to the plainly madcap and Left-wing, Trotskyist (there's a label you don't see anymore) notion idea of 'trial by jury', which he said was part and parcel of the two countries' "shared values".

Trial by jury, Kaiser Obama said, was the basis of a fair justice system, enshrined in Article Three of Americaland's Big Book of Laws and one which should be taken up by all democracies around the world. He admitted he was happy that Osama Bin Laden had been given a fair trial recently by 12 of his peers, who just happened to be dressed as Americaland Special Forces, before he was judiciously sentenced by an attending Gunnery Sergeant, replete with long grey wig, to be mercilessly shot with a semi-automatic pistol at his home until dead.

At one point, he was heckled by what appeared to be talking wolves and a 9-foot centipede, but these were swiftly dealt with by mysterious men in black, allowing President Obama to continue gripping the sides of his lectern earnestly, whilst pausing to peer askance at no-one in particular in dramatic fashion, although oddly enough, no-one has any re-collection of the incident.

UPDATE: A White House source close to Emperor Obama (or Michelle Obama, as she is known to the rest of us) has claimed he is disappointed not to have landed what he called the "Mladic contract". Put out to tender by the United Nations , this eventually went to local contractors in Serbia, who apparently messed up spectacularly by taking the former warlord alive and ensuring he was fit to be extradited, before handing him over to an international war crimes tribunal. The twats.

“If you want something done properly, you have to do it yourself,” he murmured, whilst slowly stroking one of those long-haired cats with the ugly, pushed-in face.