june 2011

CHARLIE REDUCES HIS EMISSIONS
KATONA BECOMES CHANCELLOR
GREECE TO REDUCE RETIREMENT AGE TO 16
POPE ADMITS GAY SEX OUTING
CASSOCK LIFTING OK FOR BISHOPS
'YOUR MUM' CASUALTY OF BIG SOCIETY
PRIMARK DENIES TESTING CLOTHING
CIVIL SERVANTS WILL WATCH CASH IN THE ATTIC
CHRISTIANS SUPPORT SUFFERING
SERIOUS SHORTAGE OF KNOB GAGS
TRIBUTES TO BRITAIN'S FAVOURITE RACIST
SQUIRRELS WORTH £10 A BAG
MoD SENDING ATTACK CUCUMBERS TO LIBYA

MAY 2011

OBAMA STANDS UP TO TALK, USING WORDS
GOD TO SUE CAMPING
"I'M A DAFT OLD COCK" REVEALS DAFT OLD COCK

APRIL 2011

LIBYAN REBELS FEEL 'PART OF THE TEAM'

MARCH 2011

DORSET 'FLOWER RIPPER' CAPTURED
PRINCE ANDREW TO BE MADE INTO DOOR
LIBYAN REBELS SUGGEST USING TELEPHONE

FEBRUARY 2011

POLICE TO BE REPLACED WITH ASSAULT GRANNIES
ASBO REPLACED BY THE NAUGHTY CHAIR

OCTOBER 2010

"THATCHER'S FINE, BUT WE'RE KEEPING THE BITCH" SAY DOCTORS

JULY 2010

INVISIBLE SHOP HALTS GEORGE MICHAEL
UNDERWEIGHT FAT KIDS 'NOT FOOLING ANYBODY'

MAY 2010

KFC COCKROACH DENIES EATING CHIP

April 2010

KATONA QUESTIONED OVER ICELAND EXPLOSION
CHRISTIANS ATTEMPTED TO HIJACK EASTER
HOT CROSS BUNS BANNED

MARCH 2010

"KILL THE GOLDFISH-SELLING BITCH" SAY MAIL READERS
1938: HITLER FAILS GCSE ART, INVADES POLAND
GP'S CUTTING BACK ON SICK PEOPLE
SATAN FIXES VATICAN TOILETS
POPE'S BROTHER USED TO BEAT UP CHILDREN
KERRY KATONA CAUGHT GOING THROUGH BINS
COCAINE LESS DANGEROUS THAN DAYTIME TV
COUNCILS FORCED TO SPEND LESS ON FUCK ALL

FEBRUARY 2010

"JESUS DIDN'T HALF LIKE BUM" SAYS ELTON
"THEY PUT THINGS IN HOWARD"
UNIVERSITIES DEFEND MICKEY MOUSE STUDIES
BBC TO SHOW LIFE OF BRIAN EVERY SUNDAY
GOD SAYS NO TO TITTED BISHOPS
SERIAL KILLER CAT ESCAPES CUSTODY
LOOK OUT GAYS, HERE COMES THE POPE

JANUARY 2010

TELETUBBIES COMPLAIN ABOUT NEW NEIGHBOUR
"ALIENS WILL LOOK LIKE SOUTHGATE" SAYS EXPERT
NEW OBESITY TREATMENTS FACE CRITICISM
DEVONSHIRE MONKS DECK SCOTLAND
NAUGHTY POLICE PLAYING ON DUTY
SUPERMARKET WATCHDOG COULD BE A BEAGLE
IMAGE OF JESUS SEEN ON DAVID BECKHAM
KLASS TAKEN INTO CUSTODY BY LOTS OF POLICEMEN
TOMORROW IT'S BADGERS
SNOW PATROL FACE COMPLAINTS

DECEMBER 2009

"JESUS NICKED SHIT LOADS OF STUFF" SAYS PRIEST
RIOTS BEGIN AS WHITE DEATH ANNOUNCED
IRAQ INQUIRY REVEALS EVIDENCE OF ELASTIC BANDS
DODGY WAR VET STEALS "PUKKA"
RECORD NUMBERS COULD NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WOODS
BBC IS NOT REAL

NOVEMBER 2009

UK SOLDIERS TO HAVE GUNS
TOWN DEDICATES ITSELF TO JISM
JESUS WENT TO HUDDERSFIELD POLY
SAUDI AUTHORITIES SEEK MICHAEL FISH
CLEANING CHILDREN IS DEADLY
KATE MOSS SNAPS
'SKY WATER' PANIC CAUSES PANIC
GUILT PERIOD REDUCED TO SIX YEARS
COURT CASE STOPS FOR VOMIT BREAKS
PISSED OFF BRITS START WRITING CARDS
SPICE GIRLS TO BEGIN THE EMBARRASSMENT

OCTOBER 2009

POSTAL WORKERS DEMAND BLACK AND WHITE CATS
POLICE RAID NETS £1.5M IN HORSE RIDING
"FUCK" SAYS BOYLE
COURT RULES SCIENTOLOGY TO BE BOLLOCKS
R.E.M. TORTURE "MOST EFFECTIVE"
TUBE COMPLAINTS DROP AS CUSTOMERS ARE KILLED

SEPTEMBER 2009

JELLY BABIES MAKE YOU TWAT PEOPLE
"HITLER WAS A FEMALE LESBIAN" SAY EXPERTS
BBC SEEK AGING DWARF HERMAPHRODITE TO READ NEWS
DEMOLITION OF FRANCE BEGINS
CBI REVEAL PLANS FOR BATTERY STUDENTS
PROSTITUTE FORCED INTO POLICE WORK
DEWSBURY HIRE DICK VAN DYKE

AUGUST 2009

BERNARD MATTHEWS DRUG RING BUSTED
COWS SOUGHT FOR QUESTIONING
PARENTS GOING TO NEW ZEALAND
BRITAIN'S FUTURE FIGHT OVER CHEAP BEER
TOP SHOCK COPS ARE ZAP HAPPY CHAPPIES
ACTUALLY, CRIME PAYS QUITE WELL...
BIGGS' RECOVERY DELAYS PHIL COLLINS
"FOOD ESSENTIAL" SAYS FUCKING GENIUS
NORTHERN ROCK: HOW TO MAKE A SHIT THING SHITTER

JULY 2009

POPE ANNOUNCES 50 COMEBACK DATES
ALCOHOL BLAMED FOR RISE IN PISSED PEOPLE
POLICE TAKE IT IN TURNS TO TASER GUNMAN
DESPERATE? YOU'D HAVE TO BE FUCKING BLIND
BIG MAC: MORE NUTRITION IN STARBUCKS COFFEE
TWO FOR ONE VICARS OFFER BABY WASHING SERVICE
NHS DO THE HOKEY COKEY OVER PIG FLU
CATHOLICS PANIC AS POPE SNAPS OFF HAND
KNOWLEDGE OF THE GOOD BOOK SADLY LACKING
SQUEAKY MIDGET PRAISES HITLER
BEAR SCOUTS INVADE COMMONS
FREE AND EASY
BRITS BECOME VICTIMS OF NEW HEALTH HAZARD

JUNE 2009

"WOULD YOU ALSO LIKE MY WIFE?" ASK SKY
TASMANIAN WALLABIES CAUSE HAVOC
THATCHER ON THE MEND
BNP TARGETS NAZI TEACHERS
SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS
"THANK GOD FOR IRISH NAZIS" SAYS PM
BA CHARGES FOR JOB PRIVILEGE
PANDEMIC LEAVES MILLIONS REACHING FOR DICTIONARIES
"HA HA, GOOD ONE" SKY TELL SETANTA
CHARLES BACKS SQUIRREL NATIONAL PARTY
PRINCE OF WALES TO TAKE ON NAZIS

MAY 2009

THATCHER OWNS POPE
JESUS IN A THICK, BROWN PASTE
BNP LEADER SNUBS QUEEN
BANKS ON WITNESS RELOCATION
LIB DEM REMINDS PUBLIC OF NAUGHTY BANKERS
GAY MINISTER IS GAY
FART CLOSES BULLRING
SWIMMERS BRAVE BRITISH WATERS
EVIDENCE FOUND OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
BOY SCOUTS COLLECTIVELY SHIT THEMSELVES
PIG FLU DISAPPEARS AFTER PUBLIC DISINTEREST
HUMAN RACE ABSOLVED OF ALL BLAME
THE CHANCES OF ANYTHING COMING FROM MARS ARE NOW ONLY 500-1