The damning reports have revealed that the monks are responsible for over 80% of all alcohol related crime involving monks, nuns and popes in Scotland, which accounts for 53% of the remaining 18%. Some sections of the report also pinpoint wine. A further 40% contribute to 22% of the final 37%, damningly.

 

Strathclyde police officer Juliet Bravo told Stinky Ponky "There's barely a day goes past when we don't get a report of some Buckfast monk, ripped off his tits, smacking unsuspecting old ladies in the back of the head with a skateboard, or similar. In fact, I've just come from the vet where I was taking the statement of a poodle that was injured by broken glass after a Buckfast monk allegedly threw a hammer through the window of a dog grooming parlour on the high street. We're looking for a woof-woof, grrr."

 

One Strathclyde resident, Jack Thripper, a 33 year old moisture farmer and founder member of The Golden Girls UK fan club told us "I've been drinking their tonic wine for years but if the bald bastards come here trying to start something I will have to seriously think about kicking the habit. And I would rather stick my dick in a blender than watch Cadfael again. Bastard."

 

Stinky Ponky spoke with the Abbot of Buckfast, Dave Watt. We asked for his views on the accusations that he and others from Buckfast had been responsible for ripping off car aerials and windscreen wipers at Longleat. He told us "I think you may be confusing monks with monkeys." He was unable to refute these claims however.

 

Stinky Ponky asked Dave if everyone at Buckfast liked bananananas and climbing trees. He said "No, that's still monkeys." However David Attenbrough has proved that Gibbons also like bananananananas.