May 28th 2009

A woman in Wales can confirm that the son of God is a big fan of Marmite, unlike anyone who can taste things.

“People might think I'm nuts, but I like to think it's Jesus looking out for us.” These are the words of 36 year old Claire Allen on seeing a resemblance to Jesus in the cap of her Marmite jar. “We’ve had a tough time recently, the recession has hit us hard, and after we’d eaten the carpet and wallpaper there was only a jar of Marmite left. We had to open it. That’s when our lord appeared to us; inside the lid.”

Marmite has a strong following. Angus McCoatup, from Stirling told Stinky Ponky “I lost all sense of taste and smell in a bizarre electric harmonica accident some years ago and since then I’ve eaten it with virtually every meal – regardless of what it is. Mind you, I’ve also developed a taste for Big Macs and genital electrocution. Both smeared in Marmite of course.” Paddington bear is also said to love the stuff. The Marmite - not the electrocution.

We spoke to Michael Deesac, Professor of Theology at Skopje University in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. He told Stinky Ponky “It’s really not so much of a stretch to go from a capability to walk on water and rise from the dead to appearing on the inside of a jar lid. Bit of a step down really. People have no imagination anymore. Before television was invented people saw Jesus absolutely fucking everywhere.”

Marmite, a favourite among smokers and other people with no sense of taste, is a by-product of bitumen and was historically smeared on British coastlines as a deterrent to potential invaders. It’s distinguishing texture and appearance, reminiscent of diarrhoea, led the great bard William Shakespeare to write “Forsooth sir, I will not suffer it to be in my mouth, rather I would place my tongue into the arse of a sweating horse.”