"I'm in the book," said opposition leader Davek Wattiffi speaking to Stinky Ponky earlier today, adding "Look under 'W' - it's not hard to find me. Certainly a lot easier than landing a helicopter full of soldiers in a farmer's field unannounced in the middle of a country fighting a civil war. We don't do that here. We dial a number and when the other person answers we say 'hello' or something and sort of take it from there."

When Stinky Ponky asked Mr Hague what in the name of cack he was doing he told us "It's all been an huge, hilarious misunderstanding. To be fair, I should have said 'send a text.' I actually said to MI6 'send an SMS,' and some silly tyke must have thought I said 'send the SAS.' Honest. What a big, silly misunderstanding this is really. We'll all laugh about this in years to come, you'll see."

We passed this comment on to Intelligence Officer Dave Watt who said "The feckless ginger tart, that's closer to the truth if you turn it completely around! He was told bloody ages ago that you could send brief text messages using SMS but obviously misunderstood because ever since he's been sending SAS units to deliver little messages for him. It causes no end of bloody trouble.

"Only last week he sent a team of four heavily armed commandos with false ID home to his wife to tell her he was going to be late for dinner. It could have gone very badly as they were planning to fire smoke grenades into the house and swing through the windows, but fortunately she caught them hiding in her roses disguised as horse shit, poked them with a stick and asked them what the devil they were playing at. At the time they were arguing about which one got to tie her to a chair, put the bag on her head and attach electrodes to her nipples to get an answer out of her.

"In the end she let them take it in turns."