The figures were discovered written on a beer mat and left on the bar of a pub in Soho, and are therefore more reputable than any given article in The Sun. In addition to the highly revealing statistics were other jottings, including the information that 68% of Robbie Williams was pure knob and the potential danger from people who agreed with what they read in the Daily Mail was more of a threat than giant meteorites, at least until Bruce Willis dies. There was also a doodle of a cock with big hairy testicles.

According to some people, Lord Justice Leveson has been appointed to oversee the inquiry because he has the same name, which is pretty handy really. Some other people have suggested that actually the inquiry is named after him and it's not a coincidence, explaining that they did not use the 'Justice' part of his name due to the fact that there won't be any justice. Yet another group of people said "Who gives a shit?" and both of the first two groups shrugged and then nodded.

Stinky Ponky spoke with Professor Yaffle from the Sepp Blatter Institute at the University of Skopje in the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, who told us "It's an interesting statistic, and do you know what is surprising? BOO! That is surprising. But this statistic is not surprising. There is no opposite to surprising, but if there was this would be it. Personally I care less about the Inquiry than I do about what Hugh Grant does with his cock.

"That is not to say that I am interested in Hugh Grant's cock. I am just saying that I find it slightly more interesting than the Leveson Inquiry, which I don't find interesting at all. That doesn't sound right. I am basically indicating that the Inquiry is not very interesting to me and that I have only a minor interest in Mr Grant's cock. That still doesn't sound right. Perhaps I should say that I am equally uninterested in the Inquiry and Grant's cock. Dear me. I am now going to stop talking."

ITV has also been instructed to stop showing its latest series of I'm One Of The Few Celebrities Not Appearing In The Leveson Inquiry, Get Me Some Work Please! as it has also been deemed as 'not in the public interest.' This is despite reports that someone in Devon bumped into a bloke in the pub who he hadn't seen for years who told him that he thought his wife 'quite liked' the programme, or would have done if she wasn't dead.

When we told Professor Yaffle about ITV closing down Celebrity he said: "That is not surprising either. And I've just realised that actually 'expected' is the opposite of surprising, isn't it? So lets use that word. It was expected. In this interview I have clearly been shit."