The research shows that a lot of germs are actually really healthy and good for you, aiding the body's immune system by testing it to the limit. This makes any children who survive far healthier than they would have been if the dirt was scraped off.

 

A spokesman from the College of Pointless Studies, Money Burning Department, told Stinky Ponky "You shouldn't put kids in der baff too much, if you want maybe just in der summer when it's dead hot." Professor Timmy Smiff, 5, went on to say "If dey do swimmin wif school like once a week or sumpin dere is no need to baff dem at all, cos swimmin baffs is made of medicine it's true cos I said and even smells like warm hospitals so kids is dead hellfy after swimmin. Makes sense.

 

"And even after Christmas when dey don't do swimmin dey will prolly be jus fine. As long as dey has cloves on so as dere is sumpin to be wipin dere hands on it's ok cos dey can eat dere bogies which is ok. Ok?

 

"So if anyone's mum is readin about dis den what is important is dat dey don't baff me."

 

Dave Watt, a junior school teacher from Derby told us "I already have a class full of kids who smell like mature stilton that's been stored in a gorilla's armpit. Their parents must have heard all about this research years ago. And here's me thinking that they were all just busy drinking their shitty lives into oblivion every night while their kids did whatever they fucking wanted. I was daft enough to believe that it was maybe neglect that caused their children to be unable to visit the toilet without pissing all over themselves. Clearly it's carefully planned that way by thoughtful, caring mums and dads.

 

"So it looks like Jimmy "skidders" Jones has been intentionally taught - for the good of his health - to wipe his arse by simply pulling up his trollies and walking."

"Fucking great."