The cockroach, Clint Billton from Walford, told Stinky Ponky "I am currently seeking legal advice on this matter, as I believe it's defamation of character. I was merely walking across the chip at the time the health inspector entered the kitchen. I slipped and fell and some chip went in my mouth, but I did not swallow. I regularly eat dead flies, rotten meat and dog shit, but when McDonald's is closed I come here - only to look for dead mice you understand, because there are always plenty. I would rather put Amy Winehouse's hair in my mouth than eat KFC."

A spokesman for KFC said "That cockroach was definitely eating our chips, and he was fucking loving it, let me tell you. KFC food is definitely good enough for cockroaches. They're always in our kitchens. I mean, they would be if they could, but they can't so they're not. We've done out Coventry Street now, and taken all the necessary precautions to stop cockroaches getting in. We've put signs on the doors saying 'No cockroaches' and we've cut back on dead mice to the point where there's hardly anything for the rats to eat.

"And that little twat didn't pay for the chip it was munching on; and by God it was shoving it down it's throat whatever it says. We plan to have that cockroach arrested and charged with theft. It owes us for that chip, and we'll be prosecuting accordingly. I reckon with interest we're looking at around... Oooo... £11,000. And then we're suing for defamation for suing us for defamation. Our food is absolutely beautiful. I'd eat some myself only I'm allergic to amazingly wonderful food."

Cockroach Clint told us "I am a cockroach, not a chav. The chavs can stuff limp chips down their Burberry cock sucking throats if you like, but I'll stick to cat vomit if you don't mind. I've eaten at some of the finest cockroach restaurants in the world - Liam Gallaghers arse crack, Vannessa Feltz' armpit, Blackpool... you name it, I've eaten there, and then shat on it. But in the name of Jesus' favourite monkey... KFC?!

"Suck my mandibles, you fucking ladybird."