UFO files released by the Ministry of Defence have given rise to speculation that aliens travelled billions of light years across the universe just to stuff things up Michael Howard's arse.

Dave Watt, who was a neighbour of the former Home Secretary in 1997 when the incidents occurred, told Stinky Ponky "It was the evening of March the 8th when I saw it. At first it was just bright lights in the sky, and a loud, repetitive thudding sound, like it was raining elephants. The ship was cleverly disguised as a helicopter, and so I could only conclude that it was aliens, with big probes. The craft went steadily past Mr Howard's house, and that's when I realised that he was almost certainly getting no end of experimental tackle shoved right up his poo hole.

Prior to this the furthest anyone is known to have travelled to insert things into Mr Howards rectum was nearly 400 miles; a record set by Fred East, a prison warder from Carlisle who watched an interview with Mr Howard on Newsnight before grabbing a piece of wood with nails in it and jumping into his car and driving to Folkstone. Mr East was stopped just short of Mr Howard's house and was later attributed with the famous quote "I wasn't going to hit him with it officer, I was going to shove it sideways up his fucking arse."

Many have speculated that the aliens were trying to influence British politics through the Home Secretary, but many others have dismissed this theory. Eminent UFOlogist Esther Terrestial said "The suggestions that Mr Howard was being anally rogered by aliens using painfully large metallic butt probes in order to control him due to his position of power are frankly ridiculous. I have two words for you. What. Power?

"They probably just thought he was a rancid, piss-faced, fuck-monkey, like the rest of us."