At Manchester Crown Court Judge Anne Jewery said "I'm more likely to send you to prison for looking like shit scraped off an orthopaedic shoe than for bigamy. How in the name of God's left gonad you got someone to take photos of you naked without the studio swimming in vomit is beyond me. Clearly your five husbands were just so desperate for a warm body to poke that they'd have put a ring on a chimp. Show me a man who is still willing to marry you, and I'll show you a blind, deaf, retarded freak with no sense of smell or touch who spends his days sitting very still in a pool of his own piss, dribbling. Now get out so that I can take this blindfold off."

 

30 year old Horne claims to be considering a vow of chastity before becoming a nun, although critics have pointed out that this could simply be a ploy to marry Jesus. Many argue that this isn't very fair on Jesus who is in no position to refuse, being dead and all. Others have suggested that since there are already shit loads of nuns Jesus is more of a bigamist than Horne. Catholic representatives told us "It's not the same at all as he doesn't knob them," adding "And anyway, I know we've got a bit of a freak show going on here but come on, we have to draw the line somewhere."

 

Whoopi Goldberg told Stinky Ponky "I'm not really a nun, it was just a fucking film. Stop calling me - bitch."

 

Given his track record, as a precaution Stinky Ponky contacted Stephen Hawking's medical team to warn them about Horne in case he became a target. A member of his family replied by email to tell us "Thanks, but we read about her and we've already taken some precautions. We've removed the word 'marry' from his computer."

 

We have also contacted David Blunkett with our concerns, who was somewhat put out. "I'll have you know that I have very high standards in totty, she wouldn't stand a chance of getting near my happy little soldier. He wouldn't even stand to attention for her." Stinky Ponky replied "Not you David; the dog."